confidence.
Confidence is something that I’m working on.
I don’t want to blame my decreased confidence on being in a relationship, but sometimes I feel that when I was single I was more confident because I didn’t have to examine myself as much as I do now. Don’t get me wrong I am crazy in love, but when you are in a relationship and in love often times it’s tough, and the person you are with reflects things about yourself that could use improvement. It’s hard and it’s painful, but I’m grateful for every moment.
When I was single, I really didn’t care what people thought but I also put up a lot of defenses and walls so that I wouldn’t get hurt. Even when I found someone I liked I put up huge walls and then things would never get anywhere. Now, I find myself coming across these walls and they are actually hurting me and my partner. The worst is seeing him hurting because of something that I’ve done. And that makes me want to change and get past the defense mechanisms that I’ve created. I feel like with the breakdown of these walls I’ve gotten more free but also extremely vulnerable. So I have to build myself up again. Starting from the bottom. And this is where I examine my confidence.
I guess I never actually realized how self-conscious I actually was. I’ve never had to really look at it before. I’ve always thought of myself as a very confident person and then certain feelings kept coming up that made me wonder why I was feeling that way or why I would get upset about something so small. It all came down to confidence.
Whenever I would come across someone who I found to be very similar to me and was quirky and cute and outspoken, I would retreat and get quiet because I felt that the qualities that I find people are drawn to me for are not so specific to me. And that I’m not as good or cool, or endearing. This isn’t true because I’m me, and no one else is me, and people like me for me, and I’m ME! Someone once told me that sometimes the things that people love us for are invisible. Sometimes you can’t describe why you are drawn to someone or why you like them, you just do. And that sometimes we have to trust in that. It’s a hard way to think of attraction. I feel like I need to know reasons for things. I like to know WHY someone loves me or why people like me. Again, it comes down to confidence. I need to have reasons so that I can justify things. Instead I should just effing know.
So here are some reasons that I’ve come up with as to why people like me (or why I should be confident):
- I am fun
- I am funny
- I get it
- I am cultured?
- I am compassionate
- I make funny faces
- Sometimes I look like Minnie Mouse (people like Minnie Mouse)
- I have good style
- I have an eye for things (design, fashion, etc.)
- I make good coffee
- I’m not afraid to ask questions
- I can quote almost every line in You’ve Got Mail
- I don’t take things too seriously
- I like to joke around
- I like good music
- I’m classy
Writing those things down was hard. In almost every point I wanted to say: “I hope”, “sometimes”, “maybe”, or “I don’t know.” I want to stop doing that because it goes back on how I actually feel about myself. Maybe that will help with my confidence? I don’t really feel like questioning myself anymore. It’s frustrating and draining and makes me feel not as good as I am. And I think I’m good. And good enough. People say I am, so I am. I choose to be good enough.
With that, I’ll leave you with one of my favourite classy, stylish, quirky icons. Someone who I would love to be like.
