I went to church with my boyfriend and his family yesterday.
It’s a thing we’ve started doing. I’ve only gone twice but even from going I’ve started to feel better. I’ve never considered myself a religious person and I haven’t been brought up in a religious home. But I was looking for something. Some sort of guidance. The two times that I’ve gone I’ve felt like the sermons were directed at me. I’ve noticed that after I’ve attended I’ve felt very emotionally drained and tired. I guess that’s a good thing. Some of it I don’t understand because I don’t know very much about the bible and the stories but when the pastor applied to life it was very relevant. To me, at least.
I don’t know what happened to me the last few months, but it was like I just sank into some dark place. I didn’t know how to get out and it took a few stumbles to find myself at the bottom and then get back up again. Maybe it’s about recognizing when you need help. To be honest, I didn’t really notice that I needed help. I felt really alone and like I had no one to help me, I guess because I didn’t know that I needed something or someone to help me. A lot of the time I feel like I need to do things on my own or I get too stubborn to ask for help because I feel like it would be a burden, but it turns out that it never really is as much as I think it will be.
So, I feel happier and more at ease. Not as restless and dark. I feel more open and settled. That’s the only way I can describe it. I’m not sure if it’s from attending church or if it’s just from talking to people, but confidence is gaining and I feel happier. I’m not all there yet, but it’s gotten better. I feel more at ease. Yeah, that’s it. That’s what I was craving for the longest time.
I keep having to remind myself that I don’t need to define myself. I always look for things that I can link to myself and that I can use to really define who I am. But I don’t need to. It’s too stressful. It’s too confusing. Maybe instead of looking it will just come to me. That seems to be the case with a lot of things in my life. It will just come, and I shouldn’t push it or force it.
