.trying to be more confident.

Someone once told me that you have to just fake it until you make it. That means, even if you aren’t confident or don’t feel like it, just fake that you are, and maybe confidence will come out of it. Maybe you can trick people into thinking you’re confident. Not that tricking people is okay, but if it helps you along and helps you to become more confident then I think it’s alright.

.saying hello and bye to my parents.

I have a strange relationship with my parents. I have a hard time opening up to them. Maybe I’m scared of being vulnerable with them because they’re the ones who will hurt me the most if they shut me down. A few months ago we barely even spoke and we had this mutual feeling that we just didn’t want to be around each other and it made the household quite tense. My boyfriend suggested to me that I make it a point to say hi and by to them when I leave and come home since I’m not home that often. I’ve been doing that lately and I think a sense a bit of happiness and the tension has eased. I feel happier as well. It’s a small thing, but it’s something worth doing.

.being on time.

I got in trouble at work early in the summer for always being a few minutes late. It wasn’t all the time, but it was enough that people noticed. Since then I usually make it a point to try to be on time or early. Sometimes I slip up, and it’s not my fault, but I put effort into planning how I’m going to get somewhere and how long it will take me. Now I’m usually early, if not on time.

.saving money.

Been trying to be better with the money lately. I’ve been saving a bit, and it feels kind of good. It’s not a lot, because I can’t afford to save a whole lot at one time, but I think it adds up. I put some money away the other day and thought to myself: “I can’t wait to get paid again, so I can save more”. I still go shopping (although, a lot of the time it’s thrift shopping), but I also know where most of my money is going, which is a good feeling.

.being more open.

I keep a lot of things to myself. I guess I’m kind of a private person and I strongly dislike being vulnerable. What’s the worst that can happen when you’re vulnerable, though? Get rejected and shut down. It’s nothing that hasn’t happened before. I want to feel more vulnerable more often because it makes me feel like I’m being open and honest and real. When I shut down I feel almost sneaky and scared. I think it’s a positive thing to be vulnerable sometimes. Maybe that will help with my confidence too.

.cursing.

Ugh, I swear like a sailor sometimes. I went to a movie last night and there was a whole bunch of swearing that seemed unnecessary. Those words kind of stood out and made me feel uncomfortable. Maybe that’s the point, but I don’t swear as much and I like it. That’s something I want to work on and something I want to cut back on, and eventually not do.

It’s a thing we’ve started doing. I’ve only gone twice but even from going I’ve started to feel better. I’ve never considered myself a religious person and I haven’t been brought up in a religious home. But I was looking for something. Some sort of guidance. The two times that I’ve gone I’ve felt like the sermons were directed at me. I’ve noticed that after I’ve attended I’ve felt very emotionally drained and tired. I guess that’s a good thing. Some of it I don’t understand because I don’t know very much about the bible and the stories but when the pastor applied to life it was very relevant. To me, at least.

I don’t know what happened to me the last few months, but it was like I just sank into some dark place. I didn’t know how to get out and it took a few stumbles to find myself at the bottom and then get back up again. Maybe it’s about recognizing when you need help. To be honest, I didn’t really notice that I needed help. I felt really alone and like I had no one to help me, I guess because I didn’t know that I needed something or someone to help me. A lot of the time I feel like I need to do things on my own or I get too stubborn to ask for help because I feel like it would be a burden, but it turns out that it never really is as much as I think it will be.

So, I feel happier and more at ease. Not as restless and dark. I feel more open and settled. That’s the only way I can describe it. I’m not sure if it’s from attending church or if it’s just from talking to people, but confidence is gaining and I feel happier. I’m not all there yet, but it’s gotten better. I feel more at ease. Yeah, that’s it. That’s what I was craving for the longest time.

I keep having to remind myself that I don’t need to define myself. I always look for things that I can link to myself and that I can use to really define who I am. But I don’t need to. It’s too stressful. It’s too confusing. Maybe instead of looking it will just come to me. That seems to be the case with a lot of things in my life. It will just come, and I shouldn’t push it or force it.

themanrepeller 

This girl, Leandra Medine, is pretty rad. I read her blog everyday. She’s a shoe horse (wonderful), and has a really fun, quirky sense of style. She lives in New York and manages this blog, The Man Repeller. The basis of her blog is to highlight fashion trends that women love and men hate. Some of her choices are questionable to me, but I like her because she seems to not take things too seriously. A lot of fashion bloggers out there seem to take things soooo seriously and they seem to take themselves really seriously, but the Manrepeller is just a whole lot of fun and a whole lot of man repelling. Check her out.

Vintage shopping

I’ve always been into vintage and consignment shopping, I guess, but because it’s fall now and I’m looking for layers I’ve been more on the hunt than usual lately. One shop in Vancouver that I love is called Community Thrift and Vintage on Cordova and Carrall in Gastown. Most of their stuff goes for $15-$25, which is cheap, cheap, cheap for a lot of the vintage stores in the city. So far I’ve picked up a navy blue silk bed shirt, a red polka dot dress, and a green button up shirt from there. Right now they also have a lot of fall items like fur jackets and cable knit sweaters. Cheap is cheap that’s what I say. Another shop I’ve recently rediscovered is Turnabout on West Broadway. I just acquired a navy blue houndstooth Topshop jacket from there. They have a lot of designer items, like jeans and shoes, and it’s pretty fabulous.

Used Books

Okay, so I have an affinity for used stuff. Clothes and books. Over the past few months, my boyfriend and I have started collected used and pretty used books with the purpose of selling them. They are mostly classics, from Austen to Steinbeck to Hemingway to a German copy of Nabokov’s Lolita. The shop is called Sons and Lovers Bookstore, named after D.H. Lawrence’s novel and our first used book purchase. We’ve just reached 100 books and are looking to sell soon! Exciting.

Boulevardier

Although I’ve cut down on how much I’ve been drinking just recently, I can’t quite alcohol altogether. So I’ll keep this in mind when I head out for a lovely cocktail. My new favourite is the Boulevardier: bourbon, campari, sweet vermouth, and a lemon twist for a garnish. It’s basically a Negroni, but switch the Rye for Bourbon and you got a Boulevardier. The first one and the best one I’ve had was at Gastown’s L’Abbatoir, and made by award-winning bartender Sean Layton.

Revolver Coffee

My boyfriend and his family’s cafe. Barista’s choice, always. Enough said.

Wuthering Heights

I’ve been reading this book for about three weeks and I’m only about three quarters of the way through. I feel like it needs to be completely silent for me to really read this book. It’s hard and I think it’s going to take a second read, and I’m not even done the first read. Thanks Emily Bronte.

A Stranger A Day Wrap Party

This girl, Marianela comes into my cafe everyday and works at the college across the street. A year ago she started this blog/project to overcome her shyness. She asks someone everyday to photograph a tattoo they have and then gets them to tell her their story. The project is coming to an end, and I had the privilege of being photographed. There is a party this November 3rd on Main and Georgia. I’m excited to see all of her work and ask her if the project actually did help her in overcoming being shy. The project was featured on VancouverisAwesome and the party is sponsored by them too!

Otis Redding

I get really into blues and soul in the fall/winter. I’ve been listening to a lot of Otis Redding lately. I heard the song Otis by the Durutti Column, and heard that they sampled the song, Pain in my Heart, in the Durutti song. I listened to Pain in my Heart and the tears just started dropping. I’m not sure why, but I can sense some pain in his voice and the way he says “Come back, come back, come back”, reminds me of everytime I’ve missed someone and wanted them to come home.

I don’t want to blame my decreased confidence on being in a relationship, but sometimes I feel that when I was single I was more confident because I didn’t have to examine myself as much as I do now. Don’t get me wrong I am crazy in love, but when you are in a relationship and in love often times it’s tough, and the person you are with reflects things about yourself that could use improvement. It’s hard and it’s painful, but I’m grateful for every moment.

When I was single, I really didn’t care what people thought but I also put up a lot of defenses and walls so that I wouldn’t get hurt. Even when I found someone I liked I put up huge walls and then things would never get anywhere. Now, I find myself coming across these walls and they are actually hurting me and my partner. The worst is seeing him hurting because of something that I’ve done. And that makes me want to change and get past the defense mechanisms that I’ve created. I feel like with the breakdown of these walls I’ve gotten more free but also extremely vulnerable. So I have to build myself up again. Starting from the bottom. And this is where I examine my confidence.

I guess I never actually realized how self-conscious I actually was. I’ve never had to  really look at it before. I’ve always thought of myself as a very confident person and then certain feelings kept coming up that made me wonder why I was feeling that way or why I would get upset about something so small. It all came down to confidence.

Whenever I would come across someone who I found to be very similar to me and was quirky and cute and outspoken, I would retreat and get quiet because I felt that the qualities that I find people are drawn to me for are not so specific to me. And that I’m not as good or cool, or endearing. This isn’t true because I’m me, and no one else is me, and people like me for me, and I’m ME! Someone once told me that sometimes the things that people love us for are invisible. Sometimes you can’t describe why you are drawn to someone or why you like them, you just do. And that sometimes we have to trust in that. It’s a hard way to think of attraction. I feel like I need to know reasons for things. I like to know WHY someone loves me or why people like me. Again, it comes down to confidence. I need to have reasons so that I can justify things. Instead I should just effing know.

So here are some reasons that I’ve come up with as to why people like me (or why I should be confident):

- I am fun
- I am funny
- I get it
- I am cultured?
- I am compassionate
- I make  funny faces
- Sometimes I look like Minnie Mouse (people like Minnie Mouse)
- I have good style
- I have an eye for things (design, fashion, etc.)
- I make good coffee
- I’m not afraid to ask questions
- I can quote almost every line in You’ve Got Mail
- I don’t take things too seriously
- I like to joke around
- I like good music
- I’m classy

Writing those things down was hard. In almost every point I wanted to say: “I hope”, “sometimes”, “maybe”, or “I don’t know.” I want to stop doing that because it goes back on how I actually feel about myself. Maybe that will help with my confidence? I don’t really feel like questioning myself anymore. It’s frustrating and draining and makes me feel not as good as I am. And I think I’m good. And good enough. People say I am, so I am. I choose to be good enough.

With that, I’ll leave you with one of my favourite classy, stylish, quirky icons. Someone who I would love to be like.

I’m doing this now, and I’m living this life. I can’t let what has happened in the past define who I am. That’s something that I really struggle with.

I went to church on Sunday morning and they kept saying that people search for the areas in their life where God isn’t present. But what we should do is look for the areas where God IS present and the areas that are good and loving. This is something I want to work on.

I remember being involved in a conversation where someone was talking about how it’s embarassing for someone to not speak the language of their culture. I know they didn’t mean anything by a comment like this, but to someone who doesn’t even know their culture for reasons they can’t help it was a little bit offensive.

I’ve been craving culture lately. I live in a city with so much multiculturalism it’s difficult to really pinpoint an identity. I’m half Filipino and half white. I want to know about my roots. I want something that is all mine and that represents me. I’m working on it. In a few months I’m heading to the Philippines with one of my best friends. Her family is full Filipino and they are going to show me around. I think I need a big culture shock and one where I can say “this is why I look the way the way that I do”. In most families you grow up around a culture and you’re brought up knowing certain traditions and cultural rituals. Music, food, and customs are specific to certain cultures. I want that.

I guess this all comes down to finding my identity. As an adoptee it’s a tough journey, but an interesting one. I’ve started talking to someone else who is adopted which makes me feel more at ease. To know that there are other people out there who struggle with their identity because of this too. I feel a little bit weird devoting a lot of my time to this, but it’s something that I think needs to be addressed while it’s an issue and I can start dealing with it now instead of years down the road.

I just want to shape my self a little more and feel welcome.

Things are going okay. I feel better than the past few days, but I don’t want that to be a reason to stop seeking help. I feel that that’s a common problem of mine. I hit bottom and then I feel refreshed, but don’t do anything else to fix the problem, which is… well a problem. I feel like I need to tell someone so that they can hold me accountable to change. I can’t just pretend like I’m okay, because even though I feel a little bit better I’m not okay.

It’s really hard for me to talk to my parents about this kind of stuff. Maybe it has something to do with me being vulnerable again. I’m scared to be vulnerable with my parents. Is that sad or what? I want to start telling them stuff and knowing what is going with me because I feel like that is one way to help our relationship. It’s kind of broken and I know that they feel hurt with how I treat them and that makes me so sad.

Does anyone else have family problems like this? I mean, I feel like your family should be the first source of support for someone but I find it really difficult. I don’t know why. What do I say even? I’ve been having trouble dealing with my self-esteem issues and I need someone to talk to about it who knows how I feel? I guess that’s a start. I just don’t want them to push me because then I know I’ll shut down. If I get pushed too far too fast I tend to shut down and stop accepting their help.

I feel really vulnerable and open. Like when you’re stuck outside in the freezing cold without a jacket and gloves. I’m standing on ice with no shoes. An open wound. And I feel stripped bare. I can’t hide anything anymore. I know it’s there and I can’t sweep it under the rug. There is no rug to sweep it under.

I have self-esteem issues. Bad ones. Ones where I hurt the people that I love because I don’t have the confidence to love myself. I’m reaching out today because I feel like there’s nothing left for me to do. I need help and I am willing to try anything. This is something that I’ve been trying “to work on” by myself and it’s just not cutting it.

I’m coming to the realization that for the past while I’ve been coping with things by covering them up or shutting down. I drink alcohol so I don’t have to feel. But I only get angry, hurt, and emotional in the end. I shut down and close up when I’m feeling vulnerable. I get mean.

The other night I got drunk and became this person who I didn’t even know could be. She was mean and rude and the worst parts of me rolled into one and then some. She was evil. My Mr. Hyde. It scared me to hear about the things she said and how she acted. How other people saw this person and saw how she had changed and the way she was treating other people. I never want to see that person again. She scared the shit out of me and I don’t blame people for not wanting to deal with her. I can’t even deal with her. She was just so angry and out of control. It never used to be like that so it needs to change.

I have some apologies to make and some promises to keep. I can’t lose this one. You’re not supposed to let someone like that go. And I can’t lose them like this. That’s too easy. I need help. I need this. I need I need I need. Hello bottom.

I like anywhere with benches too. Sometimes it seems that people never make use out of the benches and seats are placed haphazardly around the city, but it’s nice to just sit and enjoy them once in awhile. Take a breather and just sit. Not even do anything, just sit and look at where you are. Feel the breeze, people watch, and just be.

I don’t like going where there are lots of people. I don’t like feeling rushed and I don’t like the feeling of being suffocated in a public space. I hate being crammed into somewhere and I don’t like hustle. I know I’m one of those people sometimes, but I try not to be and I try to be aware of it. I like my space and I’m aware of my space. Some of these places include transit hubs, the business district of the city, busy shopping districts, tourist attractions, I guess places where people NEED to go, but don’t necessarily want to be. It’s a fact of life, I suppose.

I also hate the dentist. If there was one place I wouldn’t want to go to for the rest of my natural born life it would be the dentist. The minute I wake up knowing I have to go to the dentist I feel tense and I worry. The bright flourescent lights, and cold tiles, the white of the walls, the meaningless paintings that are put up to ease patients. I hate it all. I hate the sound of lying back on the dentist chair, the plastic sound and the smell of plastic and dental liquids and gels. Ugh, makes me cringe. Just writing about it right now I can smell it.

Hospitals are the same way but it’s more of a sadness and dreariness that I associate with hospitals. I don’t think there is any way to make a hospital more pleasant. I hate being at the hospital too.